I want it all. Sitting in the corner of the room and seeing slowly the answers aren’t present. The hustle is taking my will and I’m feeling powerless. The journey of carrying my tired soul has left me longing for more. The desire to have it all. And then it hits me, it’s not all that I want, its the journey. The focus has been missing. The grind was mistaken for hardship. The end goal was never in sight. I was never in view of the path, just in view of the scary scenery. The fear was my drive for mediocrity. I let go of what I thought was false motivation, to embrace pity. I wore it well, it was my calling card. But it felt wrong, the desires I had died, the fear grew. I was not present I became the doubter, the pessimist, the complainer. I needed help, and was I willing to accept the help to grow and become the person I want to be. The spacing, the words and the gamesmanship are all illusions that can become reality when reality isn’t dealt with.
Let’s finish this book.
I don’t like you nor do I care. I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you. The comfortable level isn’t there, nor will it be. Thus I don’t like you. – Self Pity
My mind races and different possibilities play out in my head, endless thoughts run through my head. Racing to conclusions, and figuring out how this ends with me being right. Clearly the narrative is self sabotaging. Embracing my excellence is a need that can be used as a skill in the workforce. Outside that environment, life begins to play like a movie. People are actors, and the script is written, me watching up close enjoying every angle. Highlighting every key point. Creating the situations for my views of success in the picture. The bigger issue is I’m not present, I’m vaguely involved. Watching the growing process is more exciting than actually being involved. Thus relationships fail because I am not involved. Self pity resides and often suggests that I am not good for this person. The sabotage has occurred.
The book needs to be well written.
It’s pure science and all opinions. The science in any relationship becomes the ability to interact with another human being. The closeness to create a bond. What drives that both? Well opinions shared often drive a bond. As the conversations are more codependent my mind races to issues that matter most. The switch is turned on as this is silly, not important, combative. I don’t like combative, the words become demonstrative, and it’s not conducive to growth. Well said … Well with that said nothing is said… Nothing is said. And the guilt of nothing said becomes hard to deal with. And then the pity of things not said become another thought of things not said. And it becomes harder to pull dead weight because my partner’s effort doubles. The self doubt stops one from having a scientifically based codependent relationship. Death to any good thing occurs. The relationship ends prematurely because of immaturity.
Side note: Be codependent in building a relationship. Sharing. Nobody wants a needy person. People do, but this is my story and I don’t. Get your shit together.
The book needs an author.
Who am I? I’m a cocky damn good writer. I can get better. But this is my thing. My words inspire and stir emotions. It’s great writing if you ask me. That cocky attitude, is very present when I’m in my zone. It’s a feeling of greatness. Like shit, I’m good at writing, I’ll re-read this to find errors. But you’ll follow along.
Finding myself back to where I don’t enjoy. The connection versus the disconnect. Often this leads to getting dumped, the narrative, it’s self sabotaging. But with this enlightenment thing from actually reading something shifted. It’s not about my feelings placed on her, never did I doubt those feelings. It’s about the feelings I’m not dealing with. What’s best for me? Why hasn’t that dealt with? Presently this corner of the room got a lot bigger. Especially when you turn around and face the room, all that room for improvement. All I’ve been missing about myself. Well good to finally see what’s in this room of mine. Let’s go back to blaming … No let’s deal with it. Am I going to take the fun away? … Yes … But it’s who I am, why take the fun away? … Growth is needed … But growing is fun? … No, this isn’t growing, I’m not facing reality …
Some aspects I’m very good at facing reality, while relationships are not my cup of tea. Let’s break something else down. The relationship process, growth is a need in any relationship. How growth happens should be an open door policy. Feelings shared people care. Feelings not shared, a lot of drama happens and good TV is created.
The reality of my fear is that once the fun is gone. The seriousness is held to a higher standard. Like for serious can I not be anymore awesome, dialing it down isn’t something I’d like to be encouraged to do. And that’s the narrative that occurs in each movie. This chick just took fun and hid it. And I’m seeking to find it. Hide and seek. Well in this journey of enlightment, I’m pretty awesome, that self doubt and not knowing what to say, have to be challenged. I want to grow right? Yes and in growth adults talk about shit. Even about the toilet episodes. I need my privacy, peace and quiet… I digress. Love is found in those areas in which I allow that person to help me grow. Conflict not being combative is a form of growth. Saying what I feel is very important, even if I think it makes no sense. Getting comfortable with the discomforts allows me to confront my perceived fears.
For the book; chapters need titles.
Girlfriend, what are we in high school? Fuck buddy, hold on I got some feelings invested. Titles, are a common ground for vague conversations. So what are we doing? Well I’m acting as if I’m your man. And you’ll be my favorite lady. That sounds like a deal. Unless it’s not. Very important to get over the fear of titles. It doesn’t mean that person can’t be replaced if a title is given. It just means I’m serious about growing with said person. Cause replacements can happen, it’s life. The fear of commitment causes one to miss out on the benefits of commitment. Committed sports fan; Blazers, Bengals and Nationals. That same level of commitment and passion can be very successful in a relationship. Like who wouldn’t want to be my number. Come on seriously. Okay it’s a learning process. And adjusting to the learning puts you in a place to commit to excellence. More belief in self. And I’ll believe in others.
The Book needs sex appeal.
While this is for bedroom eyes only, I am looking to expand my followers. Seriously it’s so important for me to express myself sexually. Now with all that self pity and self doubt in the way, sex wasn’t a place I’d feel comfortable. A desire wasn’t bad. The desire to preform overshadowed the want for passion. But a couple for drinks, a chair and some music. I’m pretty sure that something in my vast mind would create the perfect environment. Hotel rooms … Drops mic, jumping jacks, kart wheel. Anyway, in this while enlightment something learned. I’m scared of the good sex. The passionate sex that leaves you longing for more. The freaky sex, what wanders in my head needs to be out on display. Sharing is caring. I care. Let’s get back to the emotional part of sex. The kissing, the touching, the tasting and the talking I need all that. I need to be more aggressive with my want for that passion. And that’s okay to be as aggressive in displaying that passion. The discomfort of not doing what I long to do, will not be accepted. Layeth the smacketh down on her candy ass… In my rock voice…
The book needs a closing.
All in all. Is that even a good way to end a book.
This is the script …
To love fear more than life is to die living. You’re not going to product good fruit if you’re not going to focus on yourself.
Words to my wisdom I’m so in this writing.
When I re-read this tomorrow, I want to think what was I thinking. And damn that’s good stuff. Or think I hope my mom did read the sex part, cause I’m not a virgin! Way to find out…
I love who I have become, I know my fears and I challenge them. I know my strengths. I know what it is I want, and sharing is very important. Because I care enough for you to know how I feel. It’s all about self awareness and creates wins in my life for the kind of growth my kids will see. No, I don’t have kids yet. Trying to get twins, these doctors got this shit down to a science how they make babies. Knowing that the journey is the success is key. Understanding my path to greatness is encouraging, and being more honest with my feelings is something I’m consciously aware of. This is exciting. I wrote it down, in one sitting. I feel good.